Dealing With Pain And Grief Through Photography And Writing
Love!
My Love, Our Love, Just Love
My Love, Our Love, Just Love
(This story mentions a suicide)
Loosing my wife Marni has been the absolute hardest experience in my life. At the young age of 55, she ended her life.
I have now been without her for almost 2 years and things really have not gotten any easier. There are so many things that I miss about her, about us. Little things
I have now been without her for almost 2 years and things really have not gotten any easier. There are so many things that I miss about her, about us. Little things
As I walk the last of our rescued dogs, Iroh, so many thoughts go through my head. I use this time to wonder, contemplate and still try to come to the reality that Marni is no longer here. They say the person may die but they are not dead until they are no longer spoken about or remembered. I don't think this will ever be an issue for me. She is in my thoughts everyday. I speak about her every chance I get. I tell stories of our travels and adventures to anyone who is willing to listen. She will never be out of my thoughts.
One of the hardest parts for me is seeing other couples. People, together, holding hands, hugging, being in love. They are the ones that make me think... This is how we should have been in our upcoming years. This is what we should be doing right now. Walking, talking, just being together. Instead, I see other doing this and I remember how Marni and I held each others hand almost everywhere we went together. We sat beside each other during all of our meals. We hugged and held each other every chance we could. Even after 10 years of marriage, we were still in love.
I sometimes wonder if she knew something was going to happen.
I sometimes wonder if she knew something was going to happen.
I decided to give myself a project, a photography project, to try to help me with the pain that I still feel. Also to help me get out and talk to people. To explore that very small, deeply hidden extrovert part of me and maybe share a little about us, Marni and me. I hope this gets me out of my introvert comfort zone a little bit and helps me get through another day.
My thought was to photograph the things I miss most about Marni, just holding her hand, hugging her and the small kisses. Of course, the photos will be of other people engaging in these expressions of love as I remember them with my wife Marni.
So here I go. Wish me luck.
23 Nov 2024
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
27 Nov 2024
My initial plan was to get all the photos I wanted and then post them to my site. Instead, I thought it might be better to post them as I create and maybe write a little story of my encounters. Well, I messed up with my first couple because I rode away after getting the pictures without asking their names or getting any information from them. So, to the first anonymous couple, I thank you. This is already helping. If you would like copies, please let me know and I will gladly send them to you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
17 Dec 2024
The end of the year is coming quickly. I've noticed there are so many events and parades in the local area which means lots of couples. Surprisingly, there are not too many that are holding hands. This couple I captured as they walked in a parade. Not sure what the celebration was but it was colorful and religious and ended up at the Basilica in downtown Phoenix.
After getting home and editing this photo, I noticed something about the hands. The man is loosely holding on while the woman seems to have a firm hold on his hand. Is she nervous, uneasy, scared? The lady was smiling and did not appear to be any of these things. She appeared happy and enjoying the moment.
I remember Marni holding my hand tight, sometimes squeezing tight as to remind me she was still there. How could I forget? She had a little pattern that changed at times. One squeeze, tight, as to say she wasn't sure what was going to happen next. Two squeezes, usually light, to remind me she was there and having a good time. Three squeezes was always good. Usually followed by a big smile, laughter and a big hug, if I was lucky. She smiled and laughed a lot. More than anyone I knew.
I do often wonder about what would have been. How can you not when you lose a person this way... your person... the one that meant more to you than life itself.
What might have been?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
19 Jan 2025
2024 is over!
It is surprising to me how fast the year passed. The holidays are over. No more parties, social events, no more trying to make excuses as to why I don't want to go. Being an introvert is hard enough at this time of the year but after losing my person, Marni, it is even harder. She was the opposite of me, a social butterfly I called her. She loved to talk to people, anybody... about anything. She had a gift. A gift that I learned from but just cannot even come close to being able to do it like she did. Maybe that was part of the attraction between us.
This week will be 2 years that Marni has been gone. The pain is still there, in my heart. The holidays were not so much of a big deal to us. Most of them we worked. Marni being a florist, Christmas and Thanksgiving meant long days and nights making floral arrangements, storing them and caring for them. The days coming up to the holiday meant lots of deliveries in a short period of time. Marni was usually exhausted by the time the holiday was over. A little energy to get a hot prepared meal somewhere, a short drive to relax and back home to rest and be with out pets. It's funny, but I really miss those days. I was always one of the drivers that would deliver the arrangements. It always seemed like a competition between the drivers, usually 3 of us, to see who could deliver the most arrangements in one day. I won't tell you who won.
Bicycle riding and photography are still serving my healing process. I found Jesse and Troy walking down Central Ave in Phoenix. I passed them on my bike and had to turn around to ask if I could take their foto. What caught my eye with this couple is the way they were talking and laughing, swinging their arms while they walked hand in hand. I remember telling them why I was doing this and the compassion that came from them both was a little overwhelming. I still have a little talking for more than just a couple of minutes. Is it fear? Maybe. Maybe just knowing that I can't hold back the tears when I speak of Marni and the wonderful things she did for me.
Later that day, Jesse sent me a message that really touched my heart.
Thank you both for reaching out and allowing yourselves to be part of my journey.
