Dealing With Pain And Grief Through Photography And Writing
Love!
My Love, Our Love, Just Love
My Love, Our Love, Just Love
(This story mentions a suicide)
Loosing my wife Marni has been the absolute hardest experience in my life. At the young age of 55, she ended her life.
I have now been without her for almost 2 years and things really have not gotten any easier. There are so many things that I miss about her, about us. Little things
I have now been without her for almost 2 years and things really have not gotten any easier. There are so many things that I miss about her, about us. Little things
As I walk the last of our rescued dogs, Iroh, so many thoughts go through my head. I use this time to wonder, contemplate and still try to come to the reality that Marni is no longer here. They say the person may die but they are not dead until they are no longer spoken about or remembered. I don't think this will ever be an issue for me. She is in my thoughts everyday. I speak about her every chance I get. I tell stories of our travels and adventures to anyone who is willing to listen. She will never be out of my thoughts.
One of the hardest parts for me is seeing other couples. People, together, holding hands, hugging, being in love. They are the ones that make me think... This is how we should have been in our upcoming years. This is what we should be doing right now. Walking, talking, just being together. Instead, I see other doing this and I remember how Marni and I held each others hand almost everywhere we went together. We sat beside each other during all of our meals. We hugged and held each other every chance we could. Even after 10 years of marriage, we were still in love.
I sometimes wonder if she knew something was going to happen.
I sometimes wonder if she knew something was going to happen.
I decided to give myself a project, a photography project, to try to help me with the pain that I still feel. Also to help me get out and talk to people. To explore that very small, deeply hidden extrovert part of me and maybe share a little about us, Marni and me. I hope this gets me out of my introvert comfort zone a little bit and helps me get through another day.
My thought was to photograph the things I miss most about Marni, just holding her hand, hugging her and the small kisses. Of course, the photos will be of other people engaging in these expressions of love as I remember them with my wife Marni.
So here I go. Wish me luck.
23 Nov 2024
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27 Nov 2024
My initial plan was to get all the photos I wanted and then post them to my site. Instead, I thought it might be better to post them as I create and maybe write a little story of my encounters. Well, I messed up with my first couple because I rode away after getting the pictures without asking their names or getting any information from them. So, to the first anonymous couple, I thank you. This is already helping. If you would like copies, please let me know and I will gladly send them to you.
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17 Dec 2024
The end of the year is coming quickly. I've noticed there are so many events and parades in the local area which means lots of couples. Surprisingly, there are not too many that are holding hands. This couple I captured as they walked in a parade. Not sure what the celebration was but it was colorful and religious and ended up at the Basilica in downtown Phoenix.
After getting home and editing this photo, I noticed something about the hands. The man is loosely holding on while the woman seems to have a firm hold on his hand. Is she nervous, uneasy, scared? The lady was smiling and did not appear to be any of these things. She appeared happy and enjoying the moment.
I remember Marni holding my hand tight, sometimes squeezing tight as to remind me she was still there. How could I forget? She had a little pattern that changed at times. One squeeze, tight, as to say she wasn't sure what was going to happen next. Two squeezes, usually light, to remind me she was there and having a good time. Three squeezes was always good. Usually followed by a big smile, laughter and a big hug, if I was lucky. She smiled and laughed a lot. More than anyone I knew.
I do often wonder about what would have been. How can you not when you lose a person this way... your person... the one that meant more to you than life itself.
What might have been?
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